He's leaving on a jet plane and I don't know if he'll ever be back again

I am so discouraged but proud at the same time. My son is a Senior Airman stationed in Anchorage, hence the proud mom. I am discouraged because he chose to tell his father and sister that he is going overseas TDY but has chosen to keep this information from me. He told me last week that he wasn't able to come stateside in March due to training. When I asked him about his training he said it was the routine stuff they do all the time. I didn't think anything about it. Today my daughter mentioned him going to the desert soon. I am so discouraged because he felt that he felt that he couldn't call to me and tell me. When I spoke with him this evening and asked him about it he said that he didn't want to worry me. I told him that there's a moms unwritten manual that states in the first line that a mom's first and foremost job is to worry. I told him I worried about him when he was in the next room, I worried about him when he was right next to me. I told him it's my perogative to worry. I told him that I worry more when he doesn't tell me things than when he's open and honest than when he is closed off. I feel crushed, not because I know he's leaving but because he couldn't trust me enough to let me know and allow me to feel the feelings a mother ought to have. Yes, I'm worried about his safety, I always will be afterall he's my son and I love him.

What I fail to mention in the above paragraph is what I fear my son may be thinking. I think my son may think that I can't mentally handle knowing the fact that he may be going into a war zone. He didn't say he was going into a war zone he just said that he's not allowed to say over the phone as to where he is going, which to me sounds like a war zone. I know I shouldn't read into things but how can I not? Yes, he's darn right I'm going to worry! He's my son. I don't know how I'm going to react if something happens to him. I don't know that anybody can predict that. I don't think it's fair that he not allow me the chance to feel my own feelings.

I'm hurting. I'm hurting real bad. One probably doesn't understand why. My son is like a mother's keeper to me. Whenever I was in the hospital and got out or whenever I would cry, he was right there comforting me. He was like my little angel. I don't know what I'd do without him. I know he's not gone but it's been so hard since he's been gone from home. Heck, it's been hard since I left the house and on my own. I left my husband and my youngest daughter left at the same time, going a different direction. My son gone too. I'm afraid I'm losing my whole family. With my daughters going in two different directions and my son in the military I've lost them all. I don't know if I could bare to lose my son forever, to not to hear his voice again or to feel his bear hug again.